


Peter's Secret - No, Not that One

by hemingwaysgirl



Category: Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Asexual Character, Asexual Peter Parker, Dating, Depressed Peter Parker, Depression, Drama, F/M, Feels, Flashbacks, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt Peter Parker, Hurt/Comfort, I Don't Even Know, Internal Conflict, Mental Health Issues, Minor Original Character(s), One Shot, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Peter Parker Feels, Peter Parker Has Anxiety, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker Whump, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad Peter Parker, Social Anxiety, Teen Angst, Teen Peter Parker, Teenage Drama, To Be Continued, Whump, Work In Progress, but for how long?, more chapters possible, should i continue?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-27
Updated: 2018-07-31
Packaged: 2019-06-16 10:12:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15434784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hemingwaysgirl/pseuds/hemingwaysgirl
Summary: Peter Parker has a secret - all it takes to turn him into a terrified heap of nerves is the simple thought of dating anyone. Why can't he do normal teenage things without freaking out? His anxiety has turned out to be yet another flaw that separates him from his normal peers, and he hates it.





	1. Castle of Glass

**Author's Note:**

> So, this one-shot is very personal to me. (I know. Big surprise, huh? I tend to dump my own issues on unsuspecting Avengers' characters all the time.) It's kind of therapeutic. FYI: the story has a depressing overtone, but I may add a more hopeful chapter later. Enjoy!

Peter has a secret – a secret that stretches far beyond anyone's imagination when it comes to normal societal expectations. He has built steel walls around this private piece of information and tucked it safely into a deep, dark corner of his mind. He pretty much ignores its existence until someone sees through his facade and threatens to bring it to the surface. Once the mental barrier protecting his secret starts to crack, he abruptly pushes away whoever has gotten too close and cuts off all contact with her.

 

 _Her._ The pronoun frightens him more than anything else, even more than the possibility of someone discovering that he moonlights as Spider-Man.

 

All it takes to turn him into a terrified heap of nerves is the simple thought of dating anyone.

 

Don't get him wrong, he's straight. He has always found girls attractive. However, any person who identifies as the opposite sex can never get too close. The thought terrifies him more than the opposing threats he faces on a daily basis – he rather face 1000 frost giants or killer robots or even a mind-controlled Loki wielding unbeatable magical forces than reveal his inner most fear.

 

Peter always thinks several steps ahead of his peers – that is just how his mind works. Once he processes information, he can clearly decipher any possible outcomes – good or bad – at lightening speed. So, he knows that once he becomes friends with a girl, the natural order of things usually involves the possibility of something more developing – something more intimate and terrifying.

 

Why can't he do normal teenage things without freaking out? His anxiety has turned out to be yet another flaw that separates him from his normal peers, and he hates it.

 

He tends to lead girls into thinking there can be something more (because once a girl shows interest, he doesn't even consider his feelings, but focuses entirely on her and what she wants from him. Because _she_ matters.)  However, in the end, he unintentionally hurts her _more_  by pushing her away before she gets too close.

 

His fears always take control, and he finds himself questioning everything. 

 

_What if he doesn't measure up to her standards?_

 

_What if he doesn’t have enough to give?_

 

_What if he is incapable of romantic love? What if his intense fear of touching and being touched overrides any possibility of ever truly loving another in that way?_

 

He's done it once before – tried to connect with a girl and be what she needed. However, she always needed more than he was capable of giving.

 

Anytime the possibility of more bloomed within her heart and she expected him to open up as well, especially in a public setting, anxiety gripped his lungs in a death grip, and all he could think was “Trapped. Trapped. Trapped. It's going to come crashing down!” He usually suffers silently through future dates, unable to focus on anything but the overwhelming fear clawing up his throat. He flinches at every touch ( _What if he can never have a physically intimate relationship with anyone? Why does sensual touching make his skin crawl? What is wrong with him?_ ), picks at his food, and gives monotonous answers to any questions asked.

 

Peter is currently going out with his second girlfriend Stacy – a smart, kind, and beautiful fellow classmate. He tries so hard to shake off the nervousness and enjoy the night. However, their fourth date is as awkward as all the others – for him and probably for her as well.

 

He manages to have moments where he forces out a laugh, a cute quip, or a bright smile to try and appease her worried glances, but as soon as the evening ends, he locks himself in his room at the Avenger's Compound (his home away from home on the weekends) and falls apart. He groans as he remembers how he had driven her home and mumbled, “see you later,” before speeding away without saying a proper goodbye.

 

He had just left her standing in the driveway, confused and upset. The sound of her choked sobs followed him all the way home.

 

He tenses against the tidal wave of sadness that sweeps over him. He loses all awareness of his surroundings as panic takes full control of his senses.

 

He can't hear anything past his wheezing breaths and pounding heartbeat.

 

He can't see anything but an impending sense of doom that colors his whole world black.

 

He can't smell anything but the sweat coating his chilled body.

 

He can't taste anything but bile as nausea creeps up his throat.

 

A chiming sound jerks him out of his spiral into full-blown panic. He sits up slightly – only now realizing that he is curled up on the floor – and retrieves his Starkphone from his pocket. He glances at the screen. It’s Stacy. His stomach twists painfully as he opens the text message and begins to read.

 

_I like u, Pete, but u don't seem_

_2 feel the same way about me._

_You seem really uncomfortable_

_& distant every time we're together,_

_& we've been dating for a while_

_now. I hate to do this through texting_

_but u never pick up when I call._

_I get the feeling that u want out,_

_& I can't keep doing this. So, it's_

_over, ok?_

 

She’s breaking up with him. He exhales slowly, relief instantly washing over him, but shame and guilt quickly replace the slight reprieve from his current emotional storm. He types a response with shaky fingers, the screen blurring as he presses send. He glances over his words, sighing as he re-read his inadequate reply.

 

_Okay. I'm sorry. You deserve better._

 

Bubbles pop up on the screen for a few seconds and disappear. Twenty minutes pass, but she never responds.

 

 _It's over_. _It's finally over_. Some of the relief returns as he pushes everything else to the back of his mind and locks it away - again.

 

No one can ever know Peter's deepest, darkest secret – that he can't handle a few dates without freaking out and breaking up with his girlfriend, or in this case, driving her to end the relationship herself.

 

Peter Parker has failed so many people who dared to love him, and he will walk through the winding roads of his life alone - without a companion by his side, but he is strangely okay with that. For now.

 


	2. Away from the Sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this work started out as a way of dealing with my own dating anxiety but my muse steered it in another direction, so the second chapter is now officially a story about Peter and not a reflection of my own experiences. Trigger warning: Rape/Non-Con elements, but not from MJ!

After the Ferry Fiasco and the Homecoming from Hell, Peter decides that maybe, just maybe, he has found someone out there who understands - someone who will accept him as he is - Michelle Jones.

 

Maybe physical intimacy doesn’t always have to be a part of the girlfriend/boyfriend equation. It is possible to have a meaningful, purely platonic, relationship with an attractive girl, right? There’s more to romantic relationships than the physical aspects, so it may be possible for him to date MJ without metaphorically drowning in an anxiety-ridden pool.

 

Peter asks MJ to go out with him after he picks up the hints she’s been dropping about knowing his secret. Peter feels that they share a special bond - one that springs from being royally screwed up in similar ways. She isn’t the touchy-feely type either, which he learns later developed from a bad experience with a really handsy boyfriend.

 

Once she opens up to him, a desperation swells within him to share his whole self. He’s just so tired of pretending to be okay.

 

And she accepts everything that he can give and doesn’t ask for more - at first.

 

Peter allows himself to slip into a comforting sense of belonging, but he should have known it wasn’t going to last. The hand-holding and cuddling ultimately always lead to more intimate gestures for most people, except Peter.

 

The emotional connection between him and his significant other has more appeal to him than physical closeness. He has always found a girl’s mind more attractive than her body, so he rather discuss Harry Potter conspiracy theories than make out, which makes him an anomaly among guys his age.

 

One night they are binge-watching _The Flash_ , because why not watch a show he can relate to on so many levels? The show is basically a spin-off of his own life: the nerd accidentally obtains powers, uses them to protect the innocent, and finally accepts that he is making a difference even though he sometimes fails to stop the bad guy.

 

Anyway, he is so engrossed in watching Barry Allen's race against time as he attempts to detonate a nuclear bomb mid-explosion that he doesn’t immediately notice the hand trailing up his arm.

 

Eventually, his spidey-senses spark to life, sending an electric current up his spine that has him flinching backwards and almost tumbling off the bed.

 

“MJ, what are you doing?” Peter demands shakily.

 

She smiles softly, but the determination in her eyes clearly explains her current intentions.

 

“Look, MJ... I already told you. I can’t do this.”

 

“Hear me out, Peter. I just – I want to help you realize that couples can touch each other without it being sexually charged. I mean, it doesn't always lead to sex. Hell, we could just start off with a simple kiss – just a peck – no tongue action.” She smirks and playfully wags a finger at him. “Now don't go trying to sneak that tongue in, Parker. I might bite.” MJ winks, but then her expression melts into something almost fond. “We can work around the anxiety and find out your limits. And if you freak out, it's okay. We can stop and do something else. I just wanna make you feel good.”

 

_I just wanna make you feel good._

 

Those words sound oddly familiar, though he could have sworn he’s never heard them spoken before now.

 

_I just wanna make you feel good._

 

Peter drifts on a sea of unsteadiness, watching the world dip and sway as if from a distant shore.

 

Anxiety swells in his chest, its relentless waves destroying all rational thought. He feels paralyzed, and the hairs on his arms stand on end, while shock-waves of terror trail up his spine.

 

MJ slowly morphs into someone more masculine with shorter hair and broader shoulders.

 

_I just wanna make you feel good._

 

Oh no...

 

He barely has time to turn his head before he vomits over the side of the bed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be continued...


	3. Eyes Without a Face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Flashback to sexual abuse...

Time always seems to slow to a snail's pace during the darkest times of people's lives – prolonging the pain as long as possible. It is like the universe– or a darker force down below – controls our fate from a high-definition flat screen and pauses the worst moments of our lives, simply taking notes as seconds bleed into hours, before pressing play and watching the scene unfold without changing anything.

 

Peter hates the inconsistencies of time. There is never enough during the day, and it always drags on during restless nights – no matter how much he begs for the soothing rays of dawn.

 

**9:00 PM**

 

Peter is locked inside the worst anxiety attack he has ever experienced – it feels like the end of everything. He is cowering in the corner - vomit and sweat covering his shirt. His breathing is harsh and shallow. He vaguely sees MJ sitting a few feet away from him - her legs crossed and expression grim as she remains perched on Peter’s bed.

 

He closes his eyes and starts mentally repeating simple facts to keep him in the here and now.

 

_His bed has navy blue sheets and a black comforter. He’s 17 years old. He’s going to be a senior next year. He’s at his apartment (or technically his aunt’s.) His aunt is working the night shift. She’s a nurse at Mercy Hospital. MJ is his girlfriend. Tony is Iron Man. He is Spider-Man._

 

It doesn’t help, so he slits his eyes open and goes back to watching Michelle.

 

She’s slumped forward - picking at her nails - a nervous habit of hers. 

 

 _She’s also speaking to someone,_ he realizes.She keeps her eyes trained on the worn beige carpet as she talks, which strikes him as odd.Her mouth moves, but he can’t hear anything except the heavy breathing from distant memories. Finally, he notices the phone pressed against her ear. 

 

He has no concept of time as long-forgotten memories escape through the shattered mental walls that a terrified little boy had built 6 years ago.

 

**9:10 PM**

 

Michelle raises her head, and misty grey eyes meet his - uncharacteristicly hesitant.

 

The heavy breathing in his ears increases.

 

MJ is no longer MJ, but a tall, faceless man with a gentle smile that doesn't reach his empty eyes.

 

_Shadows of long, threatening fingers tug down the zipper of his jeans._

 

“ _This is how all big boys release stress. You're a big boy, aren't you?”_

 

_Tears fill Peter’s hazel eyes, but he nods jerkily._

 

_”I know you've suffered from panic attacks since you lost your parents. Your aunt's worried sick about you. We’re friends, right?”_

 

_Peter nods - too terrified to speak._

 

“ _Well, friends help each other. I just wanna make you feel good.”_

 

_His cold, grey eyes pierce Peter’s soul, bounding him with their terrifying intensity. His 11 year-old self had once trusted those haunting eyes. But he knows this is wrong. He struggles for a bit – a panicked “no” bubbling from his throat as he fights against the soft, smooth hands – but then relents to the gentle pressure._

 

_Maybe this is okay._

 

_Maybe this is just something friends do for each other. Still, he doesn't like it – doesn't like how the faceless man strokes himself while doing the same to Peter – doesn't like how he looms over Peter as he finishes – doesn't like the emptiness he feels while he allows himself to be cleaned up._

 

**9:30 PM**

 

Peter comes back to himself with a gasp – lifting a trembling hand to rub his stinging cheek. A rough, calloused thumb sweeps over the inflamed skin in an attempt to ease the discomfort. The touch grounds him – the sensation so different from the sickly, tender touches of the Faceless Man.

 

“Kid, you with me?” Tony whispers gruffly.

 

“Y-yeah. I think so.” He meets the worried, amber eyes of his mentor – eyes that always radiate compassion and warmth whenever they look at Peter – eyes that are always filled with _life_ and never look _void_ or _hungry_.

 

“... you slap me?” Peter slurs softly – his voice tinged with surprise as he leans into the hand cupping his cheek.

 

He realizes with a start that Tony's touch makes him feel protected rather than afraid. _When had that happened?_ His brain fires one word in a repetitive loop as Tony wraps an arm around his back, gathering him in a warm embrace. _Safe. Safe. Safe._

 

Tony pulls back slightly, guilt shining in his wide, expressive eyes. “Yeah, sorry about that. We didn’t-- You weren’t responsive. I was afraid you were going to stroke out... your vitals--”

 

“Thank you, Tony,” Peter interrupts quickly, tears pricking behind his eyes. The simple statement says everything that he can't express. _Thank you for bringing me back. Thank you for never taking advantage of me._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will add more MJ into the scene later, or I may add a chapter with the two of them together. Either way this story will be continued... :)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Leave a comment and/or kudos if you enjoyed my story. :)


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